This song says it all.

Much Afraid, Jars of Clay

Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again

So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you

Chorus:

All of these things
I’ve held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I’m so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I’ve made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go

So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on to where I’ve never been before

[Chorus]

Heavy eyelids
Drifting into dreamland
Subconscious thoughts swirling about the mind
Secret dreams, wishes and longings pressing pass the social masks

Will my lips betray me
I clamp shut my mouth
Silencing those secret musings
Even as I drift in and out of subconsciousness

A few weeks ago, I penned these words.

Standing at the edge of a new horizons, I’m afraid to take a plunge for I know not whether I’ll soar or simply fall.

Today, I remembered a song that was sung many years back.

The phrase caught me:

Tiba masa kau melangkah gagah | Bersemangat ke arah matlamat sedaya upaya

So I did a search on the whole lyrics of the song and was reminded by the first part of the song.

Pahit getir hidup…
dan pengorbanan
Terpaksa dihadapi,
demi kejayaan
Terdidik sejak mula,
tabah berusaha
Tanpa cuba melangkah,
tak kemana
Di mana kau berada
Pencapaian tak tiba dengan mudah

If you do not take the first step, you won’t get anywhere.

Just one step and even if I fall, I know that I at least have tried.

I hid myself last week.
It’s almost second nature to hide, to pretend that I am invisible so as to protect myself.
Even when the door opened and smiles greeted me, I folded my arms; so cautious and oh so afraid to be rejected.

Today I wanted to run again.
However I stayed and tried to make some conversations.
I listened, smiled and was amused with the sharing of Monday blues.
After we parted ways, I felt the adult in me grow an inch.

Today, I stayed.

She was cornered
Even though a fence separated her from the ferocious dogs
their barks still threatens her
In fright, she slipped off the edge
For a moment, her claws tried to hang on but to no avail
The dogs above her barked menacingly still

She quivered in the shadows
Hoping the darkness will swallow her
And protect her from the enemies
All of a sudden, a hand reached down
More terror? She wondered
It was instead a hand of comfort and rescue
She was lifted from the shadows
And gently placed on the grass

Who is this saviour of hers?
It was a stranger
A man on his way to work
Who saw the predicament she was in
Took the trouble to stop
And lifted her from her troubles
She purred in gratitude

***

The scene of the man rescuing a cat from two dogs touched my heart.
I was reminded in some small ways how that mirrored the Father’s salvation of us.
We were also trapped in our sin, cornered by our pride.
Jesus left His Heavenly home, stooped down and lifted us from our hopeless situation.
What’s the motivation?
Not that we were attractive little babes, in fact we were grubby with sin
But because of His love and grace.

*Smile*

‘Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.’Psalm 143:8a

I noticed her as she came out of the car
A middle aged woman with a heavy luggage

I paused for a while, slowing my pace
The words however did not come out quick

The strain upon her hand was obvious
She shifts the burden from one hand to another

For a moment our eyes met
She smiled, a gentle smile indeed
I smiled back albeit with some guardedness
This was a stranger after all

Should I?
I debated within me
It didn’t seem so heavy
She’s managing it well
What if I did offer
And she rejected it?

The notion of rejection chills my bone
I passed by her and proceeded my way

The Holy Spirit tapped on my heart
I was reminded of the story of the Samaritan
How the priest passed by an injured man

I hung my head in shame
I’m sorry, I whispered
Please help me to be quick to act in love

These past few days I have been sitting at the feet of women; women who have the courage to be authentic, women in different stages of life, women who above all love their Savior and God.

As I sat there listening to their stories and heart songs, I find myself grow quiet within. It was almost like a breath of fresh air, to walk away from the strife, control and envy to quietness, submission, love and gentleness. Here are women who are not perfect but found their rest in the Only One that truly satisfy.

As I see how they love children, submit to their husbands, work hard at what they are responsible for, there flows such a sweetness that it makes my heart glad.

Father,
teach me to love like these women do
teach me to be content when the world screams for me to buy more, to have more, to look for more
teach me to always encourage
teach me to inspire
teach me to submit even when the world says demand your rights
teach me most of all to love You above all else
teach me that the greatest joy and satisfaction is not found in my many purchases, neither in my career or in the arms of a man
teach me to hide myself in You
teach me that only You complete me

Most of all, teach me to be like You
To have Your heart
That loves and cares

Teach me

What is it of passion that frightens me?

Of fear that it may override my senses
Sweeping me off to the big unknown
With nothing to hold or control
Only the trust of its mighty waves

His eyes was wet with tears. I never saw a man in his 50s cried (at least not so closed up) and this was someone who has been our family friend since before I was even born.

His tears touched something deep in me. I felt humbled standing in front of him, listening to his words and seeing him wipe away his tears with a handkerchief.

For that moment, the tears created an environment of safety for both of us. It was as if ego were stripped and there we stood with stories of hope; of the embracing touch of the Heavenly Father.

It’s not true that true man do not cry. Only a man who is truly secure will be able to have the courage to engage his emotions; even if he risks being vulnerable.

I was browsing the links at http://demandyourdignity.com/ when I came across this website entitled Empowered Traditionalist. As I read through some of her articles, I find my heart resonate with the messages in there. I think after a while I tend to forget that as a woman I am precious, not because I deserve it but because of God’s grace.

Anyway I was reading this passage on What to do while Single and thought it was a good read with practical advices.

The last bit on independence caught me.

Let go of your independence. I cannot tell you how much you holding onto your own “rights” or independence will harm your marriage.

Christa Taylor

Perhaps the most significant thing you will sacrifice is the spirit of independence which is destroying women. There is no room for the independent spirit in a woman’s life: we simply cannot love a man, children, or others well if we are entangled in this popular mentality that we are the center of the universe and we should have everything our way and we should be able to accomplish everything we desire and we shouldn’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves.

Laura

 I am fiercely independent when it comes to upholding my “right” and sometimes it can be as trivial as furniture arrangements. My mom says I have been like this since young – very picky and hard to please. I thought of it as probably a small inconvenience in my interaction with people until I embark on a love relationship with Gabe.

Here expectations and ideals clashes. You either adjust or argue. I for one has the hardest time learning to adjust. Many times, God has to use difficult moments to pry my heart open. Even then, I struggle with Him. Thank God He is still at it else left to myself, it’s an ugly picture. *Shudders to think about it* I guess this is my lesson on submission. I used to think I was pretty good at this submission thing, having realized its importance and even wrote an article about it during my single days. Ah such pride. Nonetheless, I am glad God is moulding me, even if it’s hard on the fleshly side of me.