beth.ellie

The past few days, I kept returning to the scene in Bride Wars where the sweet and docile Emma went berserk when she saw a raunchy video of her on a graduation night being played on her wedding day. She headed over to her best friend’s wedding which was just at the opposite hall; threw herself at Liv and fought it out.

At the end, Emma laid there on the floor with Liv and told her: “I can’t do this anymore.” She then broke off with her almost-husband as she knew deep down he was still in love with the old her – the one that’s back in high school. She on the other hand have moved on, changed to someone different.

The reason I kept replaying this scene on my mind is that sometimes I feel the same way. I feel like I can’t do what I am expected to do anymore. My life’s experiences have changed. I have changed (whether one sees it as a good change or bad change). I’m not the girl I used to be say 10 years ago or even 1 year ago. My priorities have changed. Things are different. Yet I also know how people are jolted by change; taken aback even. They suddenly demands that you stay the same as if change is a bad word; as if their existence depends upon your consistency.

I’m sorry. That simply cannot be done.

I feel rather like Emma at this season of my life – sorting out my wants and dislikes, craving out an identity that is not a mould shaped by the world and external expectations. It will get very messy. It will get very uncomfortable but it must be done for I am not happy suppressing my wishes and individuality. If I stand up to you, it does not mean I don’t care. It means I am building myself to be an individual with her sets of opinions and preferences that would enhance rather than break the relationship.

I’m sorry but please know that I can no longer be who I was. I can only be who I am today and build on being who I want to be tomorrow.